Make no apologies...

One of the best lines in a tv show.. ever?
 "I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.."
Most people have been there, when a relationship falls apart, when you like someone and they make you promises and don't follow through or when the person you are crushing on, or someone you love, violates the trust you have given them.

It is one of the worst things ever when you put your belief in someone and get this little picture of happiness inside you, a feeling of hope and then it all comes crashing down. This has happened to me lately. Some people should not make promises or instill hope when they are unable to follow through.

Someone can judge you, berate you, not understand you- but if they have caused the pain, they should not really get a say as to how you pick up the pieces and eventually put them back together. Some days you just need, just want to make it to the next, You aren't concerned with been perfect, the word, the notion has no bearing, you just want to survive. To not feel alone. Disconnected. Unhappy.

If someone is going to solely base their opinion of you on you at your worst, you don't need them in your life. If they can't take you then, what makes you think they deserve you when you shine brightly? When you have so much to offer, so much joy, love, hope. They don't. Life isn't rainbows and sunshine every minute. Life is hard, life can be challenging. The important thing is not how you pick up and carry on (or how long it may take you to do so), but that you DO pick up the pieces and carry on. Take it one hour, one day, one week at a time. Rebuild. Reinvent. Renew.

A thought to finish, another quote from the character of Uncle Keith in One Tree Hill-

"Anyone who thinks this is more than you can handle is less than the kind of person you need in your life."

Find someone who understands, who is supportive and encouraging. They may not know what to do to help, but they will listen and comfort you.

Everyone needs a little bit of help sometimes...

Kooklah Xx

sometimes it is hard not to believe in the fairy-tale

I think sometimes it is hard not to believe in the fairy-tale.

To believe in everything that is just and good and right. To believe that our stories will end with a happy ending. To find the one, our prince or princess, the ever elusive soul mate.

We were almost raised on it, through tales of princesses who go to sleep only to be woken by a kiss, fall in love with a beast, who kiss frogs, leave glass slippers and look into mirrors. Where birds help you get ready, everyone has perfect hair and good people struggle and then come out victorious.

And I can understand how it happens, what a wonderful thing to exist in a world that is full of wonder, imagination and hope. Where the impossible becomes possible and the characters follow or are ruled by their heart, instead of their head. To live to the full making the most of every moment.

Real life, I think can struggle to live up to the expectations of this world- we become so weighed down with daily stressors of work, finances and home. Been single, while I mostly love it, can have its drawbacks-bad dates, boys who don't call when they say they will, times when all your friends seem to be matched up or in love.

It doesn't mean you aren't happy with your life for the most part, but sometimes that need, the baser instinct for human connection creeps through. Sometimes all we need is someone to laugh and share our deepest thoughts, feelings, fantasies and secrets with.

So have that moment, the one where you dream of different skies, think about wandering to greener pastures.  But don't let it define you, the search I mean. I really think that the more you look for something, the less chance you have of finding it. If you stress out about finding the perfect guy, all you are going to see are imperfections and you will miss out on all the wonderful experiences you could be having. Like wandering and exploring the world, kissing cute boys on nights out, finding yourself, making mistakes that will help you find your way, enjoying time with friends and family and appreciating getting the chance to spend time on your own.                                     

            

I think it really comes down to using the fairy-tale as a source of inspiration or motivation, something that will help move you through difficult days in the real world and keep you dreaming at night. When you find the guy, you will know... But for now, you have the chance to make your own fairytale, that resolves around one character. You. So go on, create it, be a modern day princess. Make your own happy ending.

Kooklah, Xx

To speak or not to speak..

Recently I was placed in a difficult and uncomfortable positon.

And yes, it was to do with a guy. I met this man last year, and we straight away had such a strong connection, alot of attraction and a spark that became evident to everyone around us, even if I hadn't told them. We worked in similar but different areas of the same workplace, but we crossed paths often. I quickly realised that this wasn't just an attraction, that it could lead to something deeper.

I was pretty sure he was the one, or at the very least a contender. I believe that someone can be 'the one' but that if the time and place isn't right, you can miss each other. As the timing wasn't perfect, he was kind of seeing someone we stayed friends but still the unspoken feelings remained. We flirted, hugged and were suggestive-things that without the complication of a girlfriend would have been considered normal and help to move the situation along but with the complication it was hard. Although I wouldn't say it stopped us from having contact, we had coffees, sought each other out. I am proud to say we never went further, despite how much we may have wanted to.

So life went on. We both moved to different workplaces, different locations for the remainder of the year but kept in touch, had a coffee every now and then. Then I ran into him this year, and he's leaving the country. In a short space of time I was confronted with the choice, to speak or not to speak.

Should I tell him how I feel? The thought made me so nervous because although I was sure (and so were many of my friends) I could still be rejected. Should I not say anything? Let him go, and see if we ever cross paths again. There was so much to consider. I had a week to do it.

I went to the farewell of his with a friend and things were the same with us even though it had been months apart, our eyes kept finding each other. We got to drinking and then it was time to leave, with all the people there I hadn't been able to find any time to talk to him on his own. So that's how it stayed. A long goodbye that left me in tears afterwards and a text message today wishing him a safe flight, to keep in touch, love kooklah. I guess only time will tell. I think I was right not to say anything, but I wish a situation had of presented where I could talk to him one on one and say how I felt. This keeps me sane: "Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end" - if he and I are destined to be together, it will happen, we will find each other. It may have been timing, or maybe fate stepped in to intervene.

Kooklah, Xx